September 24, 2012
To adopt a child is a very noble undertaking, but one that comes with a lot of challenges. The immediate questions that any adoptive father or mother is faced with are: should we reveal it to the child? If so, then when is the appropriate time to do it? And what should we tell the child? How to do it?
Adoption experts recommend that adopted children be told as soon as they are able to comprehend what is being revealed to them. However, as any adoptive parent will tell us, this is not easy. The fear of how the child will react is constantly there.
In my article “Wounds From The Womb” – appearing in this very portal - I have highlighted that an unborn child perceives emotions of the mother, and that this is no longer a belief, but a scientific truth. This is especially pertinent and important to understand when you talk about adopted children. Let us see why.
It is not easy for a biological mother to give up her child. For such mothers, the idea stems from extremely unavoidable circumstances, and coercion, and right from the time of conception the inner conflict of whether to continue with the pregnancy, or to terminate it, gnaws at the expectant mother. Take, for example, unwed mothers. When there is an “unwanted” pregnancy, many men panic and find the easy way out by running away from the responsibility. This leaves women alone to fend for themselves in an unforgiving world. As a woman agonizes over her predicament, her anxiety becomes palpable to the child within her. In other words, from a very early stage, the child begins to develop scars of rejection. This word cannot be taken lightly because nothing can cause more emotional upheavals than the feeling of being unloved and unwanted.
The biggest challenges come up during the adoptive child’s teen years. Among them is an identity crisis. Who are my parents? Who am I? Why was I rejected? These are questions that are often asked by them.
A few months ago, a couple called me and spoke to me about their adopted daughter. The girl had taken up to drinking alcohol, smoking, taking drugs and generally creating as much problems for her adoptive parents as possible. She was told about the adoption when she was about 10 years old. The seniors were very happy to see that there was absolutely no adverse reaction from the child – and it remained so for a few years.
Gradually, however, the girl began to feel “unwanted” and “worthless”. It did not seem to matter to her that her adoptive parents were genuinely loving and caring human beings. For them this child was nothing but a God-sent angel and their lives could not have been complete without her. Now, at the age of 17, this girl was slowly turning their heaven into hell. From feeling of low self-esteem, the girl was feeling downright unaccepted by everyone. She questioned her worth time and again.
Before she started intoxicating herself to escape reality, she had turned intolerable in school and her grades went downhill rapidly. She was shown to several counsellors, who surprisingly failed to see that the child was carrying scars that had developed long before she saw daylight. Even if the child did have a perfect pre-natal development, it can be psychologically distressing for a child to learn that he or she was rejected by her own parents.
In this case, the adoptive parents told me that all her previous counsellings were focussed only on whether she was suffering from any psychiatric disorder. They were surprised to learn from me that what they were witnessing had taken root when the child’s cradle first started to quake.
Before they came to see me, I knew that I could not work without God’s intervention and I prayed for the girl. I also called the local convent and asked them to include this family in their intercessory prayers.
A few weeks later, after much persuasion, the girl agreed to see me. She spoke like a person a lot beyond her tender years. The girl spared no effort in telling me that she hated her biological mother and that she would never forgive her. She could not see that this had already severely incapacitated her potential to love; and that one day she would end up a social recluse.
I asked her if she realized how unique she was. She looked confused and wanted to know how a child that was given up by her own mother could be unique. I told her that to me she appeared to be born twice: the first time from the womb; and the second time from the heart. She began to calm down with that.
I helped her empathize with the biological mother who had to give her up. I made her understand that no matter what, psychologists believe that a mother can never forget a child and that even today her biological mother was probably aching with remorse and grief. I asked her if she ever gave a single thought as to what humiliation and pain her biological mother would have endured when she was carrying her.
In total I had three sessions with her before she began to relent. I also reminded her that the way I looked at it, her biological mother could have been selfish and raised her amidst taunts from insensitive relatives; but, instead, selflessly gave her up so that she could have a good life. I then asked her if she believed it was worth considering. It was a huge relief to see her nod in agreement.
I reminded her of the latent power of forgiveness, a grace from God that can reach immeasurable depths to heal wounds, and asked her if she was willing to unleash that power. She agreed and no sooner did she start the process, she began to stabilize mentally and emotionally. She is changing slowly and her adoptive parents’ home is gradually changing from a place of conflict to a place of acceptance, from a place of despair to a place of hope.
I am no expert in dealing with adopted children, but I know that an adopted child has a lot of prenatal issues. Adopted children can particularly go berserk when they find out from an outside source that their parents are not their own. This happened to one girl I know in Mumbai. A woman in the building, who was not exactly in good terms with the girl’s parents, sarcastically asked her if she knew she had been adopted. Two days later the girl ran away from home. The parents went through a great deal of anguish to get her back.
I know of another couple who lied to their adopted son that his biological parents were dead. The boy then wanted to see the graves of his real parents. Imagine the adoptive parents’ dilemma.
Some children may want to meet their biological parents. This is basically an instinctive desire and there is no need for the adoptive parents to feel threatened and react negatively. Any support you show the child will go a long way in showing him or her that you care. If the ultimate goal is love for the child, then the adoptive parents should not shy away from this possibility. It may be very painful, but genuine love conquers all emotional hurdles.
What and how an adoptive child should be told cannot be specified. Each person has their own unique personality traits and I believe, as one expert says, that adoptive parents must speak from their heart. After all, adopting a child – knowing its complexities – in itself requires a magnanimous heart. It is best to be truthful and supportive. The child need not be overloaded at once with too much information - this should be progressive, depending on how much and what a child can take.
In Western countries, many adopted children’s prenatal issues also include addiction problems of the biological mother. I am fairly certain that we are also seeing this trend in India as more and more girl students in professional colleges call it fashionable to indulge in alcohol, recreational drugs and sex. In a university environment, the locals will tell you that the girls are more “daring” than the boys.
Depending on the severity of the mother’s addiction in the prenatal stage, a child may suffer from certain developmental problems and learning disabilities. This point is not meant to scare any couple that wishes to adopt a child (because there are no issues that cannot be resolved, if love remains the driving force), but only to build an understanding of such possibilities. Armed with this knowledge, such parents will be in a better position to deal with issues should they arise.
There is nothing worse than telling an adopted child – if his or her problems seem to become unmanageable – that “after all you are not our blood.” A biological connection means nothing as the world is already witnessing a breakdown in parents-children relationships in more and more homes.
If an adopted child is carrying certain unwanted baggage, then adoptive parents who make such harsh statements also have a similar problem. Problems don’t always stem from the adopted child, but also from the adoptive parents. Adopted children may not hug their parents as often and this may leave feelings of emptiness in them. Parents who seek “some gratitude” from their adopted child are placing a rider that runs counter to the concept of unconditional love. If love in all its beauty has led the adoptive parents to give life to an abandoned child, then it is only love that will take them the distance.
I believe what one spiritual counsellor says and that is “God puts His mark in making an adoption happen.” This is purely faith-based, knowing that God knows best. Many would-be couples have to wait for years to get a child from an adoption centre. Perhaps this wait – that becomes a yearning – helps them realize even more how precious the gift of a child is.
The bond that is borne from the heart is equally strong - if not stronger - than the bond that is borne biologically. In the final equation, only love - not the umbilical cord - holds parents and children in concert.
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