October 16, 2012
"Honour your father and mother, that it may be well with you and you may live long on the earth." ~Holy Bible. In this article, which contains several real-life examples, we will see what the human race faces, if we continue to remain indifferent to this commandment.
An elderly couple’s two children have settled abroad and show no sign of ever settling back. Both seniors are aware that one day they will be confined to the four walls of their big house, and later one of them may have to go through one of life’s darkest, and sometimes longest, tunnels: loneliness.
To cope with this dark truth, they have booked a one-bedroom unit which will one day become their home, and there – they said – they will count their final days. If children are not ready to take care of their old, fragile parents, there are entrepreneurs who will. The place they have booked has a range of facilities and services, and is growing business today.
In stark contrast, an old woman, who was born in poverty and married into poverty, also died in poverty. Her house resembles a cowshed, while her three sons live in their respective villas. Till her last day, she used the bushes as her toilet because the outdoor toilet of her house had collapsed years ago. Her sons’ villas have empty rooms that echo the empty beating of their hearts. None of them spent a rupee to repair the home of their birth; each wanted the other to take care of her expenses. However, showing false sincerity, they commemorated her death anniversary separately in grand style.
More and more of our elders face the grim prospect of overcoming life’s challenges on their own – whether they are physically fit, or financially sufficient, to endure it is of little concern to their “loving” children.
Some elders, as long as they are useful – are shuttled between foreign countries and their native places every once in few months because of visa constraints. In many cases, this is more of an arrangement of convenience because there are grandchildren to look after.
An elderly woman, who manages to look after herself despite knees that are growing weaker with each passing day, told me that her son wants her to stay with him and his children in Canada six months of a year. It was painful enough, she said, to raise six children almost single-handedly because of an alcoholic husband. She would rather die, she said, in a place where she has spent all her life, than in a place that will confine her, with no neighbours to interact with. And, “where are my other children?”, she ponders with drooping shoulders. All we look for is “sangath” (companionship), she bemoaned, but it is something our children simply cannot see.
This is what another elderly woman has to say: “My children fail to understand that people of my age are not interested in the glitter of the Gulf. All our souls long for is inner peace. I hope they realize that some day that is what their souls will also seek.”
Not all may have a choice to refuse; while others may have a choice, but give in to emotional blackmail.
In the equation of “wholesome” living, social interaction plays a very vital role in any individual’s wellbeing. Benjamin Disraeli once said, “We are all born for love. It is the principle of existence and its only end.” If this is true, then nothing can be truer than the words of Mother Teresa, who said: “Loneliness and the feeling of being unwanted is the most terrible poverty.” The poverty she talked about comes in all or any of the three forms: mental, emotional and spiritual.
Not all lonely people live solitary lives. There are young married people who live with their parents, perhaps out of a sense of duty, or perhaps because they cannot afford to move out. With both the son and his wife working, and a paucity of quality time even for each other, parents can only be left yearning.
Then there are homes, and there are plenty of them where - because of past hurts – unforgiving children don’t even talk to their parents. While both types of elderly victims suffer, I don’t know what is worse: to be left to live all alone in a far away home, or to be with their own children and made to feel unwanted day after day – some enduring years of sarcastic remarks.
So shocked was a priest in Mumbai after his visit to several homes in my earlier parish, that he thundered from the pulpit the following words: “Don’t give to the church, don’t give to well-known charities so that your name will be announced during their annual dinners; please take your ailing parents to the doctors, please spend some time with them. God is not impressed with your outward charities when your own parents hunger for love. Charity begins at home.”
Lord Jesus Christ reminds us: “Go and learn what this means, ‘I desire mercy, and not sacrifice.’” ~Mathew 9:13
Several years ago, Europe was swept by a heat wave and thousands of people died. France alone lost 14,000 of their population and among the dead were mostly the old and infirm. Many social workers believe that this figure would be far lower, if the victims had someone to take care of them. Sadly, a majority had no one by their side – they died alone. Even a sponge bath, and a rehydrating solution to drink, every few hours would have helped.
It is not always the sons who leave homes on their own. Parents at times are responsible. It happens in homes where elders are demanding and cleave to their married sons till there is a pressure built up all around. In such situations, if the son does not move out, he risks losing his wife.
Gone are the days when, feeling a sense of belonging, married sons lived with their parents and patiently served parents, and daughters-in-law did not say much. Today, typically, a married son wants to have an independent place to live in. There is nothing wrong in leaving peacefully and honourably, but what if he cannot afford an independent housing? In one case that I know, the solution was to beat the father everyday till he “gifted” the flat to his son. It is anyone’s guess where the father landed after that.
People with “respectable” standing in society can equally be heartless towards their parents. One such person put his old mother in a low-quality home-for-destitutes. Typically, he would explain, that his mother could not adjust with his wife and children. This is the pathetic irony of our times. The young and educated want the old and illiterate to make adjustments. I wonder how many elders can endure the constant nagging of a daughter-in-law. This is a ploy that is used to drive away the old because they are looked upon as a burden. I had met this woman a few times and I salute her spirit because of what she once told me: “I don’t have anything, but I atleast have my self-respect and dignity.” And she died taking both with her.
There is another form of loneliness - one that is either deliberately or unsuspectingly self-inflicted. There could be many reasons for it. People who have worked in the Gulf, made a lot of money, and retire early, promptly come to my mind. Having spent many years away from their family, they rigidly believe that they deserve some well-earned rest and if there is a sacrifice to me made, someone else in the house will have to make it.
They don’t want to take up anything for the society or a cause because they have a cynical view of the entire world. They don’t have a hobby that they can pursue. Reading newspapers, not newspaper, takes precedence over spending quality time with the family. The kind of news that is printed today only deepens their depressing view of the world. They know exactly what each politician has done, but have no knowledge of what their children are up to. They want everything to be in order at home, but refuse to play any part in it.
Having alcoholic drinks in the evenings is their definition of relaxation. A few weeks or months into it and they begin to get bored, uneasy and overbearing. As they get more and more estranged from family members, almost anything they say is met with resistance. They want others to understand them and not the other way. Out of aggression, or self-pity, they drink more; and, very soon there is nothing but turmoil in the family. So many women have wished that their husbands had not returned at all.
Not wanting to take the entire load, there are sons who take turns to bring an ailing parent home. It is a solution that does not provide any emotional comfort to the parent. In times like this, it means a lot to the sufferer even if one son is willing to take full responsibility. Even if one of the sons has no problem, there is a good chance that his wife will remind him that he has other brothers who should share the responsibility (read: burden).
In the wild, it is a matter of routine for the old and the infirm to get culled by nature’s carnivorous agents, while the victim’s young remain mere spectators. Is the human race regressing towards a level where the human heart will one day become devoid of emotions? This is a terrifying possibility as more and more parents heartlessly get thrown out of the very homes, by the very children they sacrificed their lives for.
Young professionals say that they don’t want to make the same mistake their parents did. And, pray, what mistake did their parents commit? They did not save for themselves. Isn’t that something a son should appreciate? No wonder today’s young are so engrossed in fruitlessly accumulating money for a life time of security. If that is not selfish enough, here is another lot who believe that “our parents made the mistake of not enjoying themselves, and now they don’t want us to enjoy.” Well, because of their sacrifices, you are now a doctor, or an engineer, or a successful businessman.
The question today’s youngsters need to ask is: will all their money buy them love and kinship?
Back in the old days, one could see up to a dozen children in some families. The elders always had someone to look after them, even if most kids moved out to pursue their careers.
With most couples opting for just one child in the present times, a solitary future seems certain. Parents dutifully motivate their single child to make it big in life, but later begin to wonder why children are so cold-hearted and selfish. It would be wrong on the parents’ part to demand anything in return from their children. Love loses its nobleness when it becomes conditional. Gratitude that comes willingly towards parents has a sweetness of its own.
Not able to share their feelings, and ventilate their pain, the lonely face mental, emotional and physical agony. Possibly the most poignant question that the new generation faces is: What will be their fate? But, I wonder if they care.
Lord Jesus Christ said, “Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you." ~Luke 6:38. Contained in it is an instruction, a promise, and - above all – a universal law. Because it is a law, there is no way around it.
No matter how much we pray, and no matter how deep our faith is, we cannot reap mangoes, if we have planted a jackfruit sapling. We are unable to see the truth in this law. Many today want to reap a lot of happiness and a lot of peace; but, few are willing to sow its seeds.
The solution to the problems that elders face cannot be generalized because each family has their own issues, and sometimes there are genuine constraints. Where there are genuine constraints, parents suffer less anguish. In most cases, there are solutions, but children are blinded by greed and selfishness. True love always finds a way.
However, as soon as their children have moved out – if not sooner – parents should become socially active while they are still able to. The depression from loneliness alone can cause other health problems. For Christians getting involved is quite easy as churches have several activities and groups that are run under their auspices. And, today there are many who are in need of a hug, a listening ear. Even the few moments one elder spends with another sick and lonely elder brings the feeling of solidarity beyond measure – to both – because there is a law of “give and receive” that immediately goes to work. When we begin to share in someone else’s pain, our own pain is alleviated.
It is absolutely critical to remain forgiving of children who show little or no concern. Our souls cannot carry the burden of unforgiveness and hurtfulness. More and more ailments are now linked to these two spiritual poisons. At the same time, elders should not allow their children to emotionally blackmail them, even when they act like cry babies. I know this is easier said than done, but I firmly believe elders should realize that if their sons and daughters are grown enough to move out, have children of their own, then they are grown enough to look after themselves.
Those who receive love, respect and gratitude in their twilight years are truly blessed; and so are their children. For many, all they have are their memories and a few neighbours who share the same bleak future.
Is loneliness less dreadful for some while more dreadful for others? The answer lies in what Mother Teresa said: “Even the rich are hungry for love, for being cared for, for being wanted, for having someone to call their own.” It is a grim reminder that there are many things that are beyond the grasp of money.
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