Parting with Your Best Friend

  •   Tue, Apr 23 2013
  •   By Meryl Joe Colaco

April 23, 2013

Remember the days when you and your buddy would go hanging around the nearest café day sipping on a cup of coffee drowning out any worries either of you may have had? Remember how you could always count on your friend to catch you outside of a club, should you collapse from yet another alcohol-induced stupor? Isn't it nice, knowing that your buddy always has got your back?

Well forget it, because once cupid's arrow hits your pal, memories may be all you have left. Forget about how solid you think this bond is, any male friendship's biggest threat comes equipped with low-cut minis and five-inch stilettos. And trust me, things will change, especially when a girl is involved. The only question here is, in the battle of supremacy between friends and lovers, who comes out on top?

Enter the best friend. In most cases, he's the one you have known for a long time, have had deep discussions about sex, love and relationships with, or quite simply the one you regard as your "right arm." For a while, it's all about hanging with the boys, and girlfriends are seen as non-committable relationships. Your best friend eventually becomes the brother you never had, and everything is fine...

That is, until she comes along and in just a few short days becomes the center of his universe. And you want to be happy for them, you really do. But the phone suddenly stops ringing, he's always "busy," and your boys' night out is reduced to brief encounters at some coffee shop once a month with all three of you.

And as you try not to get burned from all the candles you're now holding, you can't help but feel hurt, used, and just plain ticked at the fact that you've been alienated.

And therein lies the problem. What role do you, the friend, play in all of this? Are you merely a "filler" -- one who keeps a friend busy until his mate comes along -- or are you "family," one who should be valued both before and after romantic interludes?

The bottom line, in most cases, is that you have every right to be angry, especially when you've been replaced by a girl who has only been in the picture a very short while. Yet, you must also understand that your friend is in a current state of euphoric bliss. It's only normal that he would want to spend time with his newfound sweetheart,
and you should let him.

The real problem comes six months later, when the dust settles and the happy couple comes back down to earth. If you're still being given the same song and dance (he only makes plans with you when she's unavailable, or says he's "too busy" but spends obscene amounts of time catering to her every sms and calls), then you've got a situation on your hands. In other words, it's about to get ugly.


Now, here's how you can keep your friend

Ultimately, you have to stand up for yourself because although he may not realize it, you've probably done a lot for him over the years and his dishing you is a blatant disregard for the entire friendship.

But he's still your best friend and you owe it to him and yourself to try and free him from his seemingly hypnotic trance. Especially since, oftentimes, he isn't even conscious of his own actions. In "his world," he hasn't lost a friend, he just gained a lover.

What he doesn't realize (and what you should point out) is that he hasn't exactly been dividing his time evenly. But if you haven't figured it out yet, the odds in all this are against you, for although there isn't much difference between a best friend and a girlfriend, the latter comes with added benefits, whose powers you must never
underestimate.


In trying to win back your friend's time, keep these five tips in mind:

1- Take the alternative route: It has been my experience that opting for a direct confrontation is not the best way to proceed. You're likely to explode, say things you may regret, and he may interpret your opinions as an attack on his girlfriend (which may or may not be true) .

Instead, speak to the young seductress herself. Mention that you're tired of being the third wheel, and you may be surprised to find that she's much more sympathetic than you thought. The awful truth is that she's likely to pay more attention to you than your actual buddy, since girls like to cozy up to their boyfriends' friends (to score
extra points, that is).

2- Cut the girl some slack: This is crucial. You must not direct your anger and hostility toward the girlfriend. The fact remains that she's an innocent party in all of this (unless she goes out of her way to exclude you, but that's usually just in your head).

3- Work as a team: Having the girlfriend as your ally is beneficial because together, you can help your friend see that he does have a life outside of writing cheesy poetry. Try to give subtle clues that would suggest to him that he's this close to losing you, while having the girlfriend reinforce this when you're not around.

4- Don't aim too high: Remember, you're not looking for miracles, just a little respect and maybe even a boys-only sorry every now and then, which you'll get if your friend really cares the way you think he does. By this point he's got the message, even if he pretends otherwise.

5- Take a hint: If you're still unsuccessful, there are other tactics/tantrums you can carry out, but by this point, he has likely made up his mind. The train has left the station, and no one offered you a ride...


Time to say Goodbye

You have now reached the end of your rope. When all is said and done, you have either succeeded in getting your friend to see the light or just severed an already unstable relationship. If the latter occurs,
walk away.

Your friend has elected to forgo a relationship between brothers in favor of a relationship not worth it, and you, in turn, must retain what little pride you have left and close the book on this chapter.

But chances are, you'll get the last laugh, for what he doesn't know now -- but will someday -- is that lovers come and go, but true buddies and friends last forever.

 

 
By Meryl Joe Colaco
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Comment on this article

  • ad, mangloor

    Wed, Apr 24 2013

    Best friends never part. male or female
    In terms of opposite sex," Pure lovers are not friends and Pure friends are not lovers." Marital lasting relationships are relationships that mature overtime - a friend and lover bundled in one..


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