Nov 7, 2010

“We picture love as heart-shaped because we do not know the shape of the soul.” - Robert Brault.

They come from different backgrounds with little or no compatibility. There are other mismatching issues, but they are convinced that the only thing separating them and paradise is marriage. After all, they are madly in love!

A few years after marriage, the euphoria begins to fade. As differences become irreconcilable, their relationship looks more and more gloomy. The same hearts that once beat only for each other, ask: What did I see in her? How can I love her when she does not even understand my needs?

So, why do lovers – more often than not - end up on different sides of the fence after marriage?

First, let us see what the probability ratio is for one person to find another who is like him or her in every respect. The answer is: zero in a hundred billion. In other words, a marriage is never a union of alike individuals.

Does it mean that two people can never be happy after marriage? The answers are complex and mired in debates. The key, however, lies in understanding what it truly means to love someone.

“To find someone who will love you for no reason, and to shower that person with reasons, that is the ultimate happiness.” - Robert Brault.

Let us now see why lovers, inspite of differences, believe that they are made for each other. Psychologists have concluded that to feel loved is a primary human emotional need - which also brings us to a major fundamental problem – it is based on instinct. At this point, it is infatuation, a love that is blind. Studies have also revealed that the average “in-love” experience lasts about two years.

When we fall in love, we believe the person we have fallen in love with simply cannot make mistakes. Psychologists have also concluded that falling in love is not real. It is created by a “temporary collapse of ego boundaries,” driven by our primal physical desires. That is why the moment our relationship goes through the usual tests, we begin to hold back.

We may or may not agree with that conclusion, but those of us who have fallen in love will agree that the ecstasy catapults us into an emotional orbit unlike anything else. It tends to make invisible our differences, our very rational thinking.

There is no debate that lovers also do and promise things that they would never have done or promised in their sober state. The moment this emotional high subsides, they often wonder why they did or said those things. Some even ask, “Why did we get married? We don’t agree on anything!” Suddenly those invisible ego walls become visible and many times impregnable. Then they “fall” out of love.

We need to understand that love is a matter of the soul. There may be no romance left in a relationship, no passion for the body, but the soul’s thirst for love remains “till death do us part.”

Couples, who embrace love in its totality, go on to enjoy each other’s companionship for years and years – as true soul-mates. “Do I love you because you are beautiful, or are you beautiful because I love you?” ~Author Unknown

As the world gets more crowded, the need to adjust has taken greater dimensions. Today, more than ever, we literally rub shoulders with people – in the trains, buses, market places, including places of worship. The same is also true in more and more homes.

How often we forget that the other person has the same need as ours. It is precisely at this juncture, that our loving the other person becomes a matter of CHOICE. It does not matter how many times we are pushed, our shoes dirtied in the trains, we still choose to accommodate our fellow passenger and use the same means of travel for years on end. Sadly, when it comes to our own family members, and people we know, our egos create barriers of resentment and blame. We also justify our hate.

A look at Jesus’ life totally and completely defines the principle of love. If anyone has ever lived love without conditions, it is Jesus.

Jesus saw the need for us to make love a choice. This is what He said, “…for if you love those who love you, what reward do you have? If you greet only your brothers, what more are you doing than others?” He is explicitly saying that love has to be lived on purpose. His words are not punctuated with conditions (love when someone loves you; and so on).

The Bible tells us that on the eve of His arrest, Jesus sweated blood at the mere thought of His horrendous suffering and crucifixion. He, however, knew - just as He often preached - that there was a CHOICE to be made. And, in the human form, He made that choice. He did not pick up any weapon to defend Himself, nor did He use His divine powers to escape. He chose to love us, even though it called for the ultimate sacrifice.

Young boys and girls are willing to “die” for each other when they are experiencing the “in-love” high. When things begin to go wrong and their differences become irreconcilable, at times they wish the other person was dead.

We have no problem giving thousands to a charitable organization. Tragically, we find it impossible to reach out to a close relative, who may be struggling to meet the most basic needs of his family. What exactly is happening here? Simply put, we choose not to love. We become no better than a tiger that, driven by instinct, kills the feeble deer.

“You can give without loving, but you can never love without giving.” - Author Unknown.

The good news is that we can pursue “real love”. The kind of love that is emotional in nature, but not ‘obsessional’. Happy couples are happy because they choose to respect each other’s individuality and have a broader perspective of the human need. They also enjoy each other’s achievements – for love knows no envy.

Ultimately, our most basic emotional need is not to fall in love, but to be genuinely loved by another - TO KNOW A LOVE THAT GROWS OUT OF REASON AND CHOICE, NOT INSTINCT. We need to be loved by someone who chooses to love us, who sees in us something worth loving. It is a love that unites reason and emotion. And - lest we forget - just as I need it, the other person needs it, too.

“The hunger for love is much more difficult to remove than the hunger for bread.” - Mother Teresa.

The need for love cuts across all strata of society. “Take away love and our earth [life] is a tomb.” ~Robert Browning. Mukesh Ambani needs it and so does that poor man on the street. “Without love, the rich and poor live in the same house.” ~Author Unknown.

Young lovers need to understand that true love begins only when the ecstacy of the “in-love” experience runs dry. This is not bad news, but there is no need for differences to send us to the edge.

We can choose to extend this true love not only to our spouses, but to the other people that we are “married to” – in the family, our community, and our work place.

I remember an incident in the life of Prophet Mohammed that a friend once narrated to me. Each time the Prophet would pass through a particular area, an old lady living in that neighbourbood would throw litter at him. One day when the Prophet was passing through there was no litter. He found out that the woman was ill that day. It would have been very ordinary to feel spared that day, but the Prophet visited her and exchanged greetings, concerned about her well being. The woman was overwhelmed with the Prophet’s gesture and was never the same again.

People, who struggle in their relationships, are usually people who have forgotten God’s universal law - which also contains His promise: Give and you shall receive.

Crises in many relationships may be attributed to an inverse understanding of that law. The proof lies in the question: “Why should I love her, when she does not love me?” The truth is, “Love is the condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own.” - Robert Heinlein.

Is divorce the answer? Will another more “understanding” spouse make a difference? In USA, statistics have revealed the following divorce rates: first-time marriages: 60%; second-time marriages: 75%; third-time marriages: 85%. It gets worse.

The psychological pain and anguish marital differences (and divorces) can cause to children is immense. The person who contemplates another marriage, atleast needs to think twice.

As India progresses materially, spiritual harmony in urban areas is regressing and the divorce rate is steadily climbing. The exact figure is not relevant because there are thousands of couples who, for social reasons, suffer the pain of a failed relationship within their four walls.

If failed marital relationships are on the rise, so are the count of unscrupulous marriage “gurus”. Some recommend adding an alphabet or two to existing names, while some recommend wearing precious stones of particular colours. If you are not careful, vaastu experts will make you remodel your bedroom into a living room, or a bathroom into a kitchen. How a sex expert can help, is best left to the imagination. Personally, I can never fathom how such experts can bring harmony in the lives of couples whose problems are caused by spiritual failings?

It is wise to avoid friends with marital problems, whose opinions are fatalistic. Examples: “Well, you know life is like that.” “Didn’t you know that the honeymoon would last only three months? It’s normal!” They also give straightforward advice: “Don’t give in; she will sit on your head!” They might as well push you in the well.

Is it easy to bring back those beautiful moments? We must understand that a relationship is not without differences and not without disagreements. Instead of finding answers in materialism, try reconciliation. Do not demand resolutions. A resolution focuses on the problem, reconciliation focuses on the relationship. When we focus on reconciliation, the problem loses significance and eventually becomes irrelevant. Love, then, is not just rekindled, but deepened and strengthened.

“The ultimate test of a relationship is to disagree but to hold hands.” - Alexandra Penney.

God’s wisdom is for eternity. Only fools think that God does not understand the modern problem. If the problem is, indeed, modern in nature, then why are we not able to solve our problems with modern means. For those who are struggling to come to terms with their relationships, the give-first law needs to be seriously re-examined, understood and applied.

Contrary to what anyone will make us believe, saying “sorry” is not a sign of weakness. It requires a courageous act of the will. It is time to show that courage.

Essentially, the answer lies in making love our CHOICE and not letting instincts make the rules.

Jesus gave His life for us. We could atleast try giving up our egos. If my first step brings harmony, then there is no loser, but only winners?