May 8, 2011
A second Sunday in May has a dual significance - Mother’s Day is a time for tribute and nostalgia, combined with introspection of one’s own role as a female parent.
My departed mother, Dr Louella Lobo Prabhu was a creative genius who enjoyed her share of fame in her allotted span of life, even as she deserved even greater recognition and renown. Traditional maternal instincts were perhaps secondary to her ardent pursuit of the creative life and performing arts, but her versatile span of activities and endeavours is my deepest inspiration. More than ever today, I revere her as my greatest role model, and feel grateful for the privilege of proximity to such a unique and gifted human being.
Mother's Day ought not to be limited in its focus on biological mothers. Many of us have known maternal surrogates who have nurtured us with the overflow of the parental spirit. Foremost of these for me was my beloved grandmother Dorothy Anne Castelino, who is a role model in my own affectionate indulgences with my children. A mother-in-law can often transcend the traditional stereotype to emerge as a compatible and caring individual. Though departed from our lives, I affectionately remember my husband’s mother Manjula Mehta - her lavish gifts, excellent cooking and most especially her valuable lessons in the care of my firstborn.
There are often enriching gifts of affection and encouragement from empathetic female elders - aunts, educators and mentors whose presence can make a significant difference in one’s life. It’s fitting also to appreciate those who embrace motherhood, not via the womb, but as a conscious decision of the heart as adoptive mothers. There is the often overlooked nobility of those who look after the orphans and marginalized as caregivers in the concerned and compassionate manner that deserves applause on Mother's Day, beyond the automatic respect to biological labels.
Mother figures, even in the abstract, have a certain impact on our lives. The most significant of these, of course, is Mother Nature, whose unbounded gifts are taken for granted to the shameful point of abuse. Mother’s Day should be an additional bonding point with nature - an occasion to reinforce the norms of eco-prudence in our young. When you think of it, figures like the Virgin Mary and the Mother Goddesses of different faith systems translate to the spiritual realm of humanity’s trustful experience of the benevolent maternal spirit. One may appreciate also the benign mantle of educational institutions in achieving personal growth from the affectionate honorific of Alma Mater, Bounteous Mother.
I ask myself why I choose to write for Mother's Day in this particular year. Among other things, my son will have turned eighteen on May 7, the immediately preceding day. In a sense, it marks my own coming of age in the parenting function. That apart, it’s been a year of milestones - his graduation day and prom in the past month was a bittersweet moment of poignant pleasure - the toddler I had led by the hand to Montessori was now arrayed in his green satin gown and cap as an individual on the threshold of his own exciting life.
Some may regard boarding school as an easy abdication of the parental role, but in truth I’ve never been more challenged as a mother, keeping up morale and the achievement drive long distance. I’ve had to place a great many of my own commitments and activities on the backseat, as I headed out virtually every weekend to be with them - my son in a crucial school leaving year, my daughter requiring the oxygen of Mom’s presence in the process of making adjustments. It’s often not even the dilemma of Kids versus Everything Else, but the precarious tightrope walk between Kid A and Kid B, guided finally by whose need is greater at a point of time. It’s also a delicate balancing act between heeding their need for a parent’s presence, and giving them the space they simultaneously crave for personal evolution.
Even as I’ve benefited from multiple maternal figures in my life, I equally see my maternal instincts as being highly expansive in nature. A tarot card assessment of my personality gauged that I have a paternal perspective towards the world. Perhaps, she got the sex wrong, but it’s true that my sense of parenthood transcends my immediate offspring. The family pet is like another child with a special place in my heart. I’m conscious of a vast reserve of affection for my children’s friends and peers - a warm pleasure from interaction and a steadfast empathy with their concerns.
Motherhood lends a peculiar combination of firmness and fire to the spirit - look around you at a parent-teacher meeting, and you will find mothers in a majority. I myself have never been short of articulation, whenever I felt children, (including or excluding my own) deserved a better deal, often leading to fruitful synergies for general benefit. My frequent speaking engagements in youthful fora, and forays into writing and directing Children’s Theater are an extension of the maternal role, inspired by the idea of positively influencing young lives. Likewise, the philanthropic spirit for me is strongly rooted in finding one’s own children mirrored in others, that prompts participation in feeding programs, educational sponsorships, various forms of assistance and reward.
I aim for a maternal sense that embraces the whole universe, seeing in every creature an entity once rooted in family, capable of the gamut of sensations in pain and pleasure that humans manifest. It is thus that I feel one with the bird building her nest, a lioness suckling her cubs, a whimpering puppy…Some may think this gross, but I make it a point to leave crumbs or grains for the near extinct sparrows that hop around some airport dining tables. It’s a daily ritual, wherever I am, to venture out and feed the homeless creatures of the neighbourhood. Good mothers urge children not to waste anything on their plates. My own take is different - I firmly believe it’s a criminal waste to let inevitable leftovers rot in a bin - there’s always a hungry creature that can benefit, if we take the trouble to move out of personal comfort zones.
I overwhelmingly relate to Buddhist teachings that mandate compassion to all living things on the premise that they may have been our mothers in the cycle of births and rebirths. My ideal of parenthood increasingly embraces larger realities, like the environment, because I have to rationally envisage the kind of place that my great grandchildren and their descendants (or for that matter all creation) must endure if we are thoughtless in this lifetime.
Times of conflict and confusion can outweigh peace and bliss, but the rewards for a maternal role outweigh the stresses and challenges. Here’s a warm wish on Mother’s Day, 2011 to every woman who has acted in a nurturing capacity, with a heartfelt message to persevere in making the world a kinder and better place.
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