September 15, 2011

It was 2 o’clock in the morning. Connor was not able to sleep. He went to the kitchen, prepared coffee and brought the cup to the hall. That was his routine for the past two weeks. He set his coffee mug on the nearby table and sat on the easy chair from where he could see his darling’s smiling face. He wanted to hold her and feel her. But all he could do was sit on the easy chair and stare at her framed photo.

He tried hard not to think about her, but couldn't help it. He started crying silently. He knew he had to be strong and brave but he couldn’t help it at times. Sound from the  nursery brought him back to reality. He got up and walked to his daughter’s room. Even she seemed to be missing her mom. Connor took her in his arms and kissed her cheek. She was wide awake now. She was hungry too. Connor put her back in the crib, went to the kitchen and boiled the milk. When he came back his daughter was sleeping. He smiled and left the room. Exactly like her mother, he thought.

He sat on the easy chair and continued staring at his wife. He knew that this would happen. She had made sure that he knew the consequence of marrying her. But he was determined. He still remembered how she used to drive him crazy with her pranks. He couldn’t sit still anymore. He got up, went to the living room and opened the cupboard and took out the black diary. He just loved that diary. It gave him strength to live. He must have read it at least 10 times. He knew each and every sentence by heart but he wanted to still read it.

He opened the diary. He smiled at his wife's ugly handwriting. How many times he had commented on her handwriting but she was least bothered. He turned the page.

I am Alexia Martis. I love my name so much that I write it everywhere. When I was a kid I never wrote dairy. I just played with my two elder bothers and one elder sister. I was the last so as usual was spoilt to some extent.

Now I am 25 years old. Usually gals at my age have loads of dreams like marrying a hunk, owning big villa and a car... but I have none. A few years ago my brother passed away. My elder brother's death taught me a lesson. According to me dreams rarely come true. I still remember how my brother suffered. He was bed ridden for a whole month. He had problems with his kidney. My parents tried to save him but they were not god. My brother died at the age of 23. His dreams went with him to the coffin. My parents were broken. A few hated me because we were a bit alike and our mannerisms were similar.

After completing my BSc in fashion technology I did an advanced course in the same. I am working in a famous boutique in Delhi. I am happy and successful. But I am still single. They say single people are really happy. Believe me its true. I enjoy my freedom. They say people can't see you happy. I go for to any party they start asking questions about my marriage. How I hate that poor mentality. When I want to get married I willl, I won’t wait for anyone. Now even my parents are pressurizing me. I told them I want some time but they don’t listen to me.
 
Recently I got pain in my joints. It was unbearable. I went to see the doctor. Tests were done and revealed that I had kidney problem. One kidney was gone and according to the doctor I had to undergo an operation. I didn’t inform my parents as they would worry.

Operation was done and doctor assured me I had nothing to worry. But inside I knew that I am gonna die like my elder brother. It was a gut feeling which was dogging me ever since his death.

When he died he was 23 and according to my calculation I would die when I am 26. May be I sound like a psycho but that weird thought was there with me right from the beginning.

Time passed and once in a while I had the same old kidney problem. I knew my time had come. I couldn’t share these thoughts with anyone so I started writing.

I never wanted to dream but sometimes I couldn’t help myself. Marrying a guy and becoming mom, owning a small little cute house with a big garden, having a dog around was all I could dream of in spite of my struggles.

I know there are many people who live with a single kidney but you never know, anything can happen. When I die I want to be free without any bondage. Love and relationships makes you weak when you are at the edge. So I decided not to marry and spoil somebody’s life.

I reduced my visits to home. My parents were searching a guy for me. I tried to convince them but they were all set on sending me off. I couldn’t tell them about my health problem. I cut off myself from home. Even though I was lonely and felt homesick I controlled my feelings.

My cousin was getting married in Bombay. As I was very close to her she forced me to come. I knew, if I go, there would be thousands of questions about my marriage. I was confused whether to go or not. When she begged me I couldn’t say no to her.

She had come to the airport to pick me. She was looking lovely. We had fun, lots of fun. We partied every day. Those long drives were unforgettable. It didn’t take long to realize how much fun I was missing. She introduced her fiancé to me. It was a love marriage. Both were madly in love.

On the wedding day my cousin looked gorgeous. I do love weddings. It’s like union of two souls. I had worn black knee-length gown and let down my hair, with just a coat of lipstick.

After the wedding mass there was reception. The decoration was eye-catching. There were many couples, youngsters and handsome dudes. I sat in a corner and was observing them dancing. I lost myself in watching them. I didn’t realize a stranger standing next to me. He asked me for a dance. I looked at the dancers and then at him. I thought one dance couldn't harm me. I said yes.

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Connor closed the dairy. He was smiling. This was his favourite part. He closed his eyes for a while.

He still remembered the day when for the first time he had set his eyes on Alexia. She was seated at the corner and was watching the dancers. Maybe she doesn’t have a dance partner, he thought. He started walking towards her. She didn’t see him until he asked her for a dance. She was bit startled as if she was sure that no guy would ever ask her that question. She was a bit short but pretty. When she said yes Connor was happy.

When they reached the dance floor waltz was going on. He held her in his arms. He had a feeling he never experienced before. He wanted to know more about her. Whenever he tried to look into her eyes she used to look away. After the dance she told her name and thanked him politely. When she started walking back to her seat he felt something belonging to him being taken away. Before he could call her back she was lost in the crowd

He searched for her. She was with a guy when he finally found her. He pulled her aside and asked her number. She looked straight into his eyes and said, "What will you do with my number?"

Connor never expected this question. Girls were an easy catch for him. He was handsome and they used to roam around him like butterfly. He was a bit angry at Alexia but he didn’t show it.

He casually said "Just wanna talk to you."

Alexia laughed aloud and said, "I will give my mom's number, she loves talking."
Connor was furious. He thought he had made a mistake asking her number. When he started walking away, Alexia said, "I didn’t realize you'd lose so easily. Anyway Connor, it was nice dancing with you."

It was like a challenge to Connor. He stopped where he was. He was breathing hard. When he made up his mind he turned and walked towards Alexia. Before Alexia could realize what was happening he kissed her. He then took her phone and dialed his number. He forgot that he had audience. All he could see was Alexia holding on to him for support. When he got her number he kissed her cheek and whispered softly, "You challenged the wrong person babes, take care until we meet again." Before Alexia could respond he was gone.

******************************

Connor opened his eyes. He looked at Alexia’s photo beside his bed lamp. He traced a finger around her cheek.

He continued reading.

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He held me during the dance. That was the first time a guy ever held me. I know I do miss many things. We danced for a while. There was magic in his arms. I fitted so well in them. When the dance stopped I was disappointed. His name was Connor. Very good name, I thought. I told him my name and thanked him for the dance. I didn’t want to go but he didn’t stop me. I just walked away with a strange feeling.

I was talking to my cousin when, from out of nowhere, he came. I was not expecting him. One look at him and I knew what he was going to ask. I had to be strong and hide my emotions. He asked my number and I didn’t give. When he started walking away I couldn’t bear it. I had to do something. I knew what I was doing was wrong. I provoked him. I knew he would do something stupid but I never expected him to kiss me. The two minutes when he held me in his arms was heaven. Again I was where I belong. So easily he took my number. He created such a mess, even my mom and dad were standing and watching us.

When we reached home that day I got a big lecture from my parents. I just listened to them like a cow. I was cursing Connor for spoiling my image in front of my parents.

That night I couldn’t sleep. I missed him already. I waited for his call but he never called.

After two days I left to Delhi. One fine day I was busy in my office when I got a bunch of red roses with a message, "You were in my arms near to my heart, you walked away with my heart ."

It was clear that it was from Connor. I was happy and sad. My health was bad. Doctor had given me two years' time. I couldn’t imagine marrying and dying within two years. I had to be strong.

That evening I got a call from Connor. He asked me out on a date. As I wanted to set everything straight I agreed.

He took me to some fancy restaurant. As usual he looked handsome. I knew that I was attracted to him. I tried hard to hide my emotions.

After dinner he took me for a long drive. When we were away from the city he stopped the car and proposed. I was speechless. I was crying. I was confused whether those were happy or sad tears. All I knew was he was holding me and saying, "Just say yes! Please. I have asked your parents' permission and they are happy. Don’t spoil this moment with wrong words. Please Alexia."

He was begging me. I wiped my tears and said I couldn't marry him. I told him about my health. He got out from the car and started walking. I was alone. I didn’t know where he went. He came after sometime. He opened the door and told me to get down.
 
He said, "Your health problem doesn’t change a thing. Just marry me. You don’t know how I missed you when you were not with me. I know it's silly that I am proposing after only one meeting but I didn’t want to waste any time when I was sure that you are the one for me."

I thought I would convince him but he was convincing me. I hugged him and said I didn’t want any bondage while dying. But he didn’t listen. He was very stubborn. I said yes finally and also told him not to tell about my health to my parents.

We got married within a week. Connor was very understanding. It was a dream come true marrying such a person. I loved him very much.

When I was ill he was there holding my hand and strengthening me. He was there when I needed him. Doctor had warned me about having a child. According to the doctor having child was not a good idea. But I wanted to have Connor's baby.

Chelesa was born after one and half years of our marriage. She was a replica of me. Connor loved her.

After the delivery my condition worsened. I got admitted to hospital. I was struggling to breathe. I knew my time had come. They shifted me to the ICU. Connor was there beside me every day. He looked tired. As a last wish I wanted to see Chelesa. She was looking adorable in her pink dress in her dad’s arms.
 

Connor closed the diary and wiped his eyes. He still couldn't believe that his wife had left him and his daughter forever.

He got up and walked towards the nursery. Chelesa was sleeping. He just smiled looking at his wife’s replica. He still had a reason to live.