January 25, 2012
Things didn't look usual to me...There was something…My grandpa was in a hurry to go…Go somewhere…alone....
I love my grandpa. He is in his late eighties now. He gave me everything I needed in my life. He picked me up from Shanthala orphanage, near Hampankatta. I never felt an orphan, for he loved me much.
He is a calm and serene person. A person who has seen life and is never in a hurry. But I do not know what happened to him today. He was rushing....
Deepa was reasonable enough to feel puzzled too by the unusual hurry her Grandfather was in. Moreover, doctors had recently suggested that he mustn't move much. What was that disturbing him? Where was he going? Whom did he want to meet?
As he rushed out slowly, with a walking stick in his hand, he was nervous.
As Deepa latched the door, she found a diary, which her grandfather had forgotten to put back in the shelf. Deepa was curious to know what it was all about.
Was it a love story? A tragedy? A story about his friend, teacher, well wisher…an unfaithful person? Whatever it was, it was my grandfather's life. Yes, it was his life.
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'Poverty…Poverty…Poverty…' All that I knew about life as a child was that poverty is a curse and I belong to a cursed generation, for I was born to poor parents. I was the only child.
My father used to drink and I was very much scared of him. A little rice and the tambourine water was my daily meal.
With the help of a nun, I joined the hostel. I loved it, though I hated it. We had a warden who was more a policeman than a friend. Life really didn't look worth living, but I didn't want to be a burden to my parents at home.
Years passed, life changed. Condition at home was much different now. My father had stopped drinking and was supporting the family. I was doing my plus-2.
Basically I am a lonely person. Wouldn't usually get along with anybody easily. There was another of my nature, Pratheek, who eventually turned out to be my friend. Pratheek was a silent guy. He loved me truly. There was no guile in him. I too loved him. We were best friends.
Having completed my plus-2, Pratheek and I, joined degree in a college in Mangalore. I was just learning to fly freely. Like nature, life too has its seasons. Thunder struck my inner freedom very soon. Our physics professor had resigned from the job and there came a new lecturer. He was a young man, close to our age. He was a Hitler.
Yes, he resembled my childhood hostel warden. His looks, structure, voice, style of dealing, threatened me. Of course, I hated him. At least for me his class was nothing more than a concentration camp.
I suppose there were many like me who hated him. There were also a few who hardly bothered about him. But there were still few who liked him. My friend Pratheek , was among those few. God knows! What good on earth they found in him...in that bloody Hitler?
I always avoided him and he knew it. One fine day he made an attempt to talk to me. I just told him in my normal style, 'I don't like you…. I don't feel with you…' He just smiled and went away. That was the end of it. He never came to me again. By the way his name was Suman….Suman Sir.
Has he done any wrong to me? Has he scolded or insulted me? I do not know why I hated him. But the truth is that I hated him.
Pratheek would often tell me that Suman Sir was not a bad person and I would just say, how terrible I feel to be in his class. Don't mistake me. Though inexperienced, he was not a bad teacher.
As the days passed, one thing I realized that he wasn't like our warden. He was a much different a person in dealing with people. He wanted people to grow and come up. May be that is the reason Pratheek, liked him. I personally don't like to be at others mercy.
The inter-collegiate fest was at hand. To my bad luck, I had to work with him in a team, for a project. I tried my best to eacape, but for no avail. I wasn't happy.
He had so many questions. He would eat our brains till he got his answers. He looked like an old socratean follower.
To my utter surprise, the atmosphere within the team changed drastically. People started to get along with him easily. Who cares? I just told myself; let me be at my best. After all it's a career for me.
He dealt with me just as he did with the others. During those days, he looked more like our companion than a teacher. Only a companion....or a friend? Suman and me friends….? No chance.
It was February, 2,3, 4. The days of the fest. I just realized, how wrong I was in perceiving Suman…. Suman Sir. The way he encouraged us, the way he went about things, his moves, his decisions, his words….I was just terribly wrong.
I do not know, when, how and why, but I started to admire him. I started to feel friendly with him. I won't be wrong if I say, 'I fell in love with him'. Yes, I fell in love with him for he was a gentleman.
During those few days, I found a friend, whom I suppose I had longed all through my life. I was sure that he too loved me and cared for me. We became friends. We became very good friends!
He was a good teacher in the class and an intimate friend outside. He knew me through and through.
There are several times, when we have gone out for an ice cream and a chat. He would ask me strange questions. One day he asked me , 'Do you love me?' and on the other, 'Will you give me a little place in your heart?' I was shy. He was intelligent enough to know my silence.
Within those few days lots of things had changed. Life was different. I was not the same old, impulsive young man.
How can a person who is hated so much turn out to be an intimate friend? Someone has rightly said, 'Heart has reasons, which reason knows nothing of.'
There are several hours that we have spent together, without uttering a single word and at the end of it, I always felt, that I had the best of conversations. I had no doubts that my silence was understood. He knew every thought of my heart.
I was sure, I had the best of friends. I still wonder, whether it's possible for someone to be such deep friends within a few days. I remember Paulo Coelho, in his novel, Brida saying, 'Relationships have long histories behind them, much older than our life span on this earth.' Indeed, he just gave me all that I needed in life.
He did tell me once, “If ever I do something which you do not understand, know that it will be keeping in mind, the best of your interest.” I never knew what he meant by it.
Life changed soon. Pratheek wasn't feeling the same with Suman Sir. Suman Sir did not know where things had gone wrong between him and Pratheek. No doubt he had loved and respected Pratheek as ever.
“Every friend comes into our life with a purpose, which he himself may not know,” I remember Suman Sir telling me once; “ … and once that purpose is met, whether he wants it or not, he has to move. This has been the law of nature.” I am sure he meant to say something.
“I am scared…” Pratheek was in tears. He had somehow sensed that I was moving away from him. Pratheek needed me badly as his own. After all, he was my first friend. Pratheek was scared that Suman Sir may take me away from him totally. May be he was right too!
I loved both. Both were my intimate friends. I shared the matter with Suman Sir. He looked calm and undisturbed as ever. But I could sense, that it pained him deeply though he tried to hide his emotions.
I couldn't take a stand. I needed both. That was the last day I had met my friend Suman.
The person of Suman Sir, I met then on was more a lecturer, less a friend. He never showed any affection towards me. Whenever I met him, he gently smiled and went away. Behind that artificial smile, there were loads of tears that only I could perceive.
I was terribly tired emotionally. I tried to tell myself several times, that he doesn't love me anymore. My heart never felt convinced with this argument.
We had finished our first year. All of that summer I tried to contact Suman Sir, but he never picked up my call. May be he simply wanted to go away from my life.
People say that 'Absence make the hearts grow fonder'. I was just waiting for the re-opening day, at least to have a look at him, thinking that things must have changed. Indeed lot of things had changed.
We had a new physics lecturer in place of Suman Sir. He had resigned the job and gone away. No one knew of his whereabouts.
He was so much part of my life. He came, he went. But my life wasn't the same.
Life has moved on since then. Pratheek has been my best friend, who always stood by me and supported me. I still like to believe that I had the best of everything.
It's almost 60 years, since Suman Sir left me and went away and all these years one question that has constantly haunted me: Who was he? Why did he come into my life? Was he really my friend….? If yes, why did he…?
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Deepa wiped her tears. She just had an experience of what it means to love someone and be faithful like her grandfather. No doubt, he was still waiting....
As she placed the book back in the shelf, she found the letter which was lying there on the table.
The letter read:
Dear friend,
Can I see you for the one last time? I am breathing my last in the hospital.
Ever Yours,
Suman.
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