April 7, 2013

(This short story is about siblings, most of who are NRIs, who come together to pay homage to their father. A father who, strangely, only after his death could manage to get his children together at the funeral lunch. Note - the story has been written in a play format. )

 
Ammel: No, no, don’t touch that (the kids try to lift the urn).

Kids: What’s inside this?

Ammel: Grandpa is inside.

Kids: How did Grandpa get inside?

Daryl : Have you ever heard of Aladdin?

Kids: No.

Daryl : Well, Aladdin had this genie that could get inside a lamp, so even grandpa tried to..…..

Ammel: Oh stop it Daryl , don’t teach them all rubbish.

Daryl : Come on, they are kids, they are suppose to have active imaginations.

Ammel: You don’t know kids these day, they have too much of an imagination thanks to Mtv and all these stupid T.V channels.

Kids: Why did grandpa enter this vase? (pointing at the urn)

Daryl : Well, it’s not a vase it’s an urn. You see Grandpa was feeling very bored, so……

Ammel: Don’t even think about it. (exchanging a very stern look with Daryl )

(Raylin and Stacy at one corner of the stage, start a discussion after having a closer look at the urn.)

Raylin: I think it was a good thing we went ahead with the crematorium idea. It's cheap and we at least get to keep the ashes.

Stacy: And what do you propose we do with the ashes?

Raylin: Well, each of us gets a part of the ashes and takes it with us home.

Stacy : Wow. You want us to split up dadda's ashes? Raylin, they will stop us at the airport customs.

Raylin: No, they won’t. Recently one of my friends took some of his relative’s urns to Canada.

Stacy : Your friends, hmmm..…is this one of those custom friends of yours who keeps going to jail? (mockingly)

Raylin: No, it’s not. And he went to jail only once. He is a very influential guy, by the way. And you will not understand about all these things you librarian.

Stacy: For the last time, I do not work in a Library, it's a publishing house.

Raylin: Huh, huh, same thing, you sell books and don't give them on rent that's the only difference.

Ammel: Please stop it you both, at least today can you avoid fighting.

Stacy : You know what I find funny, he (Raylin) still has friends in low places. After all these years. And by the way, I think we are supposed to keep the ashes close to mumma's grave.

Raylin: I know that, it’s just that dad’s last wish was to travel abroad, this is the least we can do for him.

Stacy : And how do you intend to split the ashes?

Raylin: Obviously, we spit them equally.

Ammel: I don’t have a good feeling about this. Taking dad’s ashes and keeping them in the living room is kind of creepy.

Raylin: Then put it in some Vase and keep it as a showpiece. This reminds me, Fidel, can you help us split the ashes equally?

Daryl : Lucky papa!

(Everyone turns to see Daryl sitting in the corner with a smirk on face.)

Daryl : Papa didn’t have to apply for a Visa to travel. The lucky old man gets to travel abroad without any hassles.

Ammel: Daryl please, don’t speak like this in front of the children. What kind of an example are you setting?

Raylin: Kids just go and play outside.

Stacy : Ok how much time do we have left?

Fidel: Well, I think we have 10 minutes.

Daryl : Acha Fidel, where’s dad’s scotch bottle.

Ammel: Not now Daryl . The guests are going to be here any moment. Stacy isn't this suppose to be a potluck, why are we doing all the cooking?

Stacy : You think any of our relatives will get anything? I think they don't understand the concept of potluck. (scouting around for something) Ok, we have a problem, we are soon going to run out of tissues.

Raylin: We have bigger things to worry about.

Stacy : Like what?

Raylin: Fidel is having second thoughts. We need to talk to him.

Stacy : Ok, we have very little time, the guests will come in any moment, the table is not set, the Priest will also be here. Do you want to discuss this some other time?

Raylin: Stacy, why do you have to play mumma all the time ya.

Fidel: Let’s just help her set up the table first. We'll talk about the property thing later.

Stacy : Yes, that includes you too. (taunting Daryl )

(All of them go off backstage to lend a helping hand. Ammel looks offstage and is surprised)

Ammel: Oh my god. What have you done? (goes back stage and drags her daughter and son who are covered in mud)

(Stacy and Daryl comeback with a new item to add to the table along with decorations)

 
Stacy : Don’t get them inside, they will dirty the house.

Ammel: Arrey, I will just wash their feet.

(Drags the kids through the stage, Stacy is furious)

Stacy : I hate kids.

Daryl : You hate everything.

Stacy : Not everything, just kids. Just see what it has done to Ammel.

Daryl : What has it done to her?

Stacy : She does all sorts of odd jobs and then comes back home to cook and sweep. She has no time for herself. She has become a housewife. Even right now, she's not helping me out.

Daryl : What is wrong with that? If you ask me, I think its high time even you start learning how to cook.

Stacy : You MCB.

Daryl : What? What’s that?

Stacy : Male Chauvinistic Pig.

Daryl : Arrey, this is your problem. You will never find anyone to settle down with if you keep reading all those feminist books.

Stacy : You are the one to talk about settling down, Mr. Divorce Professor. May be you can write a thesis on this subject. And who says you need a man to settle down with?

Daryl : Are you telling me that you are a lesbian? (laughs about it)

(Stacy doesn’t seem to be amused, Daryl is surprised)

Daryl : When did this happen?

Stacy : I never said, I was.

Daryl : But you never said you weren’t either. Hello, Stacy did papa know……(following her backstage)

Raylin: Fidel, it’s all sorted for you there man. See when we offered you a job there you stayed back for pappa and now that he gone you think you can manage the farming on your own. Who is there for you here? Why do you want to spend your life here, there’s a good job waiting for you in New York. Look at all of us, first generation D'souza's of New York City. Ask Daryl bhai. Tell him about the life in New York City.

Fidel: You want me to manage one of your seven eleven stores.

Daryl: Looks like he has grown up, he not a kid anymore, you can't fool him. (laughs)

Raylin: Yes, I started just like that, and now look at me.

(Fidel stares at him for a while and is not impressed)

Raylin: Ok, but remember, we are all entitled to this property equally.

Fidel: You mean like the ashes?

Raylin: Yes like the....... No ,what I meant was…….

Ammel: Ok, Fidel where do you keep the towels?

Fidel: The cabinet near the store room.

Raylin: Fidel, please try to understand.

Fidel: Can’t we speak about this later?

Raylin: I have called the builders.

Fidel: The builder?

Raylin: Yes, I called them for lunch.

Fidel: It’s a memorial lunch. Only close relatives are suppose to attend this lunch. Why would you do that?

Raylin: I need the money. It’s hard to explain now.

Fidel: Just because you’re in some financial crisis you want us to sell the house? Is it why you want me to move to New York.

Raylin: It's not only that, I need to convice Joanne's father that I am settled before the marriage. And, it’s not just me……..Ammel, please come here.

Ammel: What is it?

Raylin: I told him about contractors coming over.

Fidel: Ammel even you?

Ammel: We can’t afford our rent in New York, I will have to send my kids to India. I am tired of doing all sorts of add jobs Fidel. We really need the money.

Fidel: But everyone has to sign on the papers.

Ammel: We already got everyone’s signature. Your signature is pending. I am sorry Fidel. But you are too young to understand all this.

Fidel: I need some time…….

Ammel: We don’t have time Fidel.

Stacy: Hello, what are you all doing standing here. Go inside and get all the cutlets. Aunty Jone just called, she will be here any minute.

(Darly keeps two photo's on the table)

Daryl: Have you ever wondered how aunty Jone always manages to be the first one in all our family functions.

Stacy: I can't stand her, she cribs all the time.

Darly: Acha tell me one thing, should I keep even mumma's photo.

Stacy: This is not mumma's memorial lunch Daryl.

Daryl: You think they will meet in heaven?

Stacy: What?

Daryl: You know dadda used to keep saying mumma had gone to hell for all the bad things, wonder if they both will ever meet?

Stacy: Thats because dadda was an MCB just like you......

Daryl: My god ya, just let go of it, let the poor man's soul rest in peace.

(The kids run around the whole venue)

Stacy: Oh my god Ammel, hold on to your rogue kids.

Daryl: Have you tried yoga Stacy?

Stacy: Shut up.

Raylin: No, no Daryl she will only try yoga if there is a female instructor teaching. Because male teachers teach only phallic positions.  (immitating a few yoga positions)

Ammel: Raylin, not in front of the kids.

(Everyone looks around at the spread and the setting of the place)

Fidel: What about dinner?

Ammel: What about dinner?

Fidel: It will be the first time today that dadda will not be there to say prayers on the table.

(As Fidel sits on a chair, everyone goes around him to console him.)

Raylin: From tommorow you can say prayers with us in New York.

(The door bell rings and they all get up and put on fake smile on their faces.)

Stacy: Now remember Daryl, no one is interested in your funny one-liners and kids if you run around too much grandpa's ghost will haunt you forever. And everyone, please remember, we need to look like a happy family.

(They open the door)

Everyone greets together: Aunty Joane, how are you doing? What a pleasant surprise.