The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work

  •   Sun, Sep 07 2025
  •   By Fr Ajay Nelson D'Silva SJ

September 7, 2025

The life of a pastor is a unique blend of challenges and profound rewards. There are moments when couples come to us, standing on the brink of divorce, looking for guidance and support. Then there are those who have already gone through a divorce, often sharing their regrets about past choices. These experiences have inspired me to share the key insights from the book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John M. Gottman.  My heartfelt wish is to help married couples find renewed meaning and joy in their relationship. 

John M. Gottman, a leading relationship researcher, draws from decades of scientific study on couples to identify what truly makes marriages thrive. In The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, he debunks common myths about conflict and communication, showing that successful marriages are not defined by the absence of arguments, but by how partners navigate them while maintaining emotional connection. Gottman proposes seven core principles that help couples build strong, lasting bonds. 

Enhance Your Love Maps

Couples who remain close know the details of each other’s inner world—dreams, fears, preferences, values, and daily life. Gottman calls this a “love map.” By consistently updating this map, partners stay emotionally connected and avoid drifting apart. This means taking time to ask questions, listen attentively, and remember important details about each other’s lives. 

Nurture Fondness and Admiration

A healthy marriage is rooted in respect and appreciation. Even during conflicts, successful couples maintain a sense of admiration for each other. Expressing gratitude, recalling positive memories, and verbalizing respect strengthens the foundation of trust and affection. Fondness acts as a buffer against negativity in tough times. 

Turn Toward Each Other Instead of Away

Everyday interactions—small bids for attention, affection, or support—are crucial. Turning toward your partner, even in little moments like acknowledging a joke, responding to a smile, or offering comfort, builds intimacy and trust. Ignoring or turning away from these bids erodes connection over time.

Let Your Partner Influence You

Strong marriages thrive on mutual respect and shared decision-making. Instead of resisting influence, couples who succeed listen to each other’s perspectives and allow themselves to be changed by their partner. This principle is especially important for men, as research shows marriages are more stable when husbands accept their wives’ influence. 

Solve Your Solvable Problems

Conflicts are inevitable, but some are solvable. Gottman recommends using soft start-ups (gentle rather than critical), making and receiving repair attempts, soothing oneself and each other, compromising, and tolerating each other’s flaws. Healthy conflict management reduces escalation and allows couples to move forward constructively. 

Overcome Gridlock

Some conflicts are perpetual, often tied to deep values, dreams, or personality differences. Gridlock occurs when couples feel stuck and misunderstood. The goal is not to eliminate these differences, but to move from gridlock to dialogue. By exploring the deeper meaning behind each other’s positions and supporting core dreams, couples can learn to live with differences while maintaining closeness. 

Create Shared Meaning

Beyond managing conflicts, successful couples build a shared culture. They develop rituals, traditions, goals, and values that give their marriage depth and purpose. This shared meaning turns the relationship into a partnership rooted in belonging and direction. 

Conclusion 

Gottman emphasizes that lasting marriages are not built on grand gestures but on daily habits of kindness, respect, and emotional connection. By practicing these seven principles, couples can nurture intimacy, handle conflict constructively, and create a fulfilling shared life. His message is hopeful: any couple willing to invest in these practices can strengthen and sustain their marriage. 

Strong marriages aren’t about avoiding fights. They’re about staying connected, respecting differences, and choosing love daily in small ways.

 

 
By Fr Ajay Nelson D'Silva SJ
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Comment on this article

  • Simon, Mlore / Kuwait

    Tue, Sep 09 2025

    What a deeply meaningful and insightful article. The way you connected the pastoral experience with the wisdom from Dr. Gottman’s research is powerful and compassionate. It’s a beautiful reminder that marriages, like faith, require intentional care, daily connection, and grace. I especially appreciated how you highlighted the small, everyday actions—like turning toward each other and nurturing admiration—that build lasting love. Thank you for sharing these principles with such sincerity and hope. This will no doubt offer encouragement to many couples seeking to reconnect and grow stronger together.

  • Ambrose Pereira, Bajpe

    Mon, Sep 08 2025

    We were married by Fr. Aloysius Pereira SJ back in1979, His marriage counseling lasted just 15 minutes, and he told us "counseling to be effective, has to be short and sweet. He told us: (i) Come what may, leave everything out of your bedroom and dinner table, (ii) Make sure you fulfill your marital responsibilities and obligations towards each other even when you are mad at each other (iii) Do not let any third party get into your marriage; through counselling, advise or otherwise. It is your marriage and yours alone (iv) And finally, do not shout and scream, every misunderstanding can be sorted out later in a cool and composed manner but not by screaming and shouting. This counseling worked perfectly for us and works for our kids too. We were not perfect but we have put our marriage through (46 years in all). Even though ours was an inter-religious marriage, we and our kids are God-fearing and highly successful. And we still follow Fr. Pareira's words of wisdom from our marriage counseling and so do our kids. Being short and sweet, we can remember every word he told us .........

  • Gipson P. Jose, Alleppey, Kerala

    Sun, Sep 07 2025

    A beautiful reminder that marriage is about connection, not perfection. Thank you for blending pastoral care with Gottman’s timeless wisdom—can’t wait to hear more about the seven principles.

  • Rita, Germany

    Sun, Sep 07 2025

    Dear father Ajay, these Principals from a book or from Gothman are like a book with cooking recipes.One has to go through it and try the recipes.Sometimes turns good or sometimes not so well .Everyone must work on their own recipe.Here two persons are of diffrent familys brought up different ways .Some are very lovely where otherone is not friendly.Both has to adjust to otherones mood .Some however they try to adjust other doesnt agree want to own ways.Well partner must understand this and adjust too.Some men have the habit of drinking which wife dont like but she is maltreated in drunken stage.Children are here most effected.and women too.Men dont understand.Such people must go to a institute or a psychological advice to get .Many think it is not for them ,misunderstand.but it helps to many too.Each one has to adjust to other bad or good,pray for it and work on their marraige.

  • RKSwami, Mangalore

    Sun, Sep 07 2025

    In my opinion, the current generation is dominated by finance, with everything else coming in second. Theoretically everything is OK, and love is blind at first, only to be realised later. Since money becomes the main drive, this prioritisation frequently results in a detachment from real relationships and emotions. In the end, this can lead to a society in which achieving financial success comes at the expense of genuine fulfilment.


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