Nov 21, 2009
"Marriage is a book in which the first five chapters are written in poetry and the remaining chapters in prose" , This idiom quoted by Beverly Nichols, explains the importance of thinking, understanding and acquainting before making an important decision of marriage.
"Marriage can be defined as a union between a Man and a Woman in heart, mind and essence, a sacred sacrament administered by God through a religious head, with an intention never to be broken". Immaturity, misunderstanding, infidelity, dishonesty between couples has resulted in lofty rates of divorces. Individuals have forgotten the importance/meaning of a "Vow". It has become a custom to make vows and then defy them when hardship arises. when the priest asks " Do you take this man/woman to be your wife/husband till death do you part?", Back of many people's mind the thought goes," Sure, I will take this person, but if it doesn't work or hardship arises, I will file a petition for separation or divorce and get on with my life".
Repenting after getting married is like "Crying over spilt milk", embarrassment for the couple as well as their families. Although parents do their homework of investigating the background of the boy/girl and their families, I think a lot of decision making responsibilities lie in the hands of the couple getting married. Whether it is love or arranged marriage, couples before marriage are interested in discussing the phase 1 of the marriage which includes love, courtship, physical and mental attraction. phase 2 which includes Money, long term relationship, unity, tolerance and responsibility remains suppressed until the phase 1 comes to an end.
Although phase 1 is more exciting, Due importance needs to be given to phase 2, because it is in this phase couples experience difficulty in adjusting to one another, tolerating, forgiving and having patience. The four important aspects that would be beneficial for a couple to discuss before saying "I do" are summarized below. In addition to these, there might be several others, but may be nugatory.
1) Compromise : Among the five important aspects, compromise in a marriage is very imperative. Compromising means agreeing to someone even though you do not like it. It is very difficult to compromise because compromising means lowering ego. Men specially are reluctant to compromise because of the weird thinking referred as "Masculine power"
It is very important to bury all the ego when you begin a married life. This will lead to fewer arguments and better compromises. It is important to discuss with your partner how you would compromise if a argument arises. some of the possible resolutions one could make before marriage are
Never sleep without saying sorry to each other. This will help you in putting an end to your arguments the same day.
Frustration is the result of an unexpected evil event that has occurred during our day. Frustration blended with fatigue makes an individual highly irritant. Puny reasons might ignite the irritant stress which may result in an argument. Retaliating back during an argument is like adding gas to fire. Making a resolution to remain tranquil, when our partner is irritant, will help resolve a lot of redundant arguments.
2) Responsibility: In order to sustain a family in the 21st century, it is important for both the husband and the wife to toil. Most of the jobs are stressful, which induces frustration and fatigue at the end of the day. Routine home activities like cooking, cleaning, educating the kids may be difficult for a single person (Lady). Sharing responsibilities not only eases irritant stress but also develops a bond of love and togetherness after the phase 1 of marriage has expired. Responsibilities can be shared only when good compatibility arises between the couple. Most of the couples speak about family, kids, house, etc. It would beneficial if sharing responsibilities was also discussed. However ladies should know that most of the men change their attitudes as time passes by and the whole discussion may prove to be futile. The advantage of this discussion would be, if a man tends to change his attitude over time , then the lady can nag about this discussion they had before marriage and the resolution he had made then.
3)Maturity: Benjamin Spocok exclaims " The surest measure of a man's or a woman's maturity is the harmony, style and dignity he creates in his/her marriage, and the pleasure and inspiration he/she provides to his/her spouse". Maturity blended with understanding is the key for a happy married life. I strongly disagree the perception that maturity comes with age. Although an insignificant amount may develop through age, but most of the maturity is borne from cognitive experience and individual acuity.
Maturity without understanding capabilities is like a camera without a lens. Understanding plays a important role in one's own life/married life. Understanding your better half is very important in order to sail smoothly through your married life. The following tips furnished below may be useful for a healthy relationship.
Every person builds his/her own dreams/goals. Understanding your goals by your partner to nurture and achieve them is important. It would be beneficial for couples to discuss these dreams/goals to ensure that they match. Learning to adjust might also be a big lesson that might be learnt.
*Women*: Priorities in Man's life changes as time passes by. You may be his priority during your phase 1 of your married life. During phase 2, his work may be a priority. Learn to live with this natural law even though it may hurt you. Trying to change him beyond a certain threshold point may not yield favorable results.
*Men* Women need you the most when they feel depressed or frustrated. Crankiness/fuss blended with depression may make life miserable. During this period of time it would be ideal for you to sit by your partner and listen to her, without giving her wise advise. (Ref: Men from Mars and Women from Venus).
4) Finance and Addiction(Alcohol/drugs): As the universal proverb goes "Money is the root of all evil", Financial stability and accurate foresight of accumulating finances is very important to avoid hardships in finances. Love disappears when financial scarcity arises. It would be essential for a couple to discuss about the manner in which they would like to manage their finances. My friend told me the best way to manage individual finances is to have three bank accounts, one for each and a joint account for common expense. Revealing ones financial status to his wife/husband before marriage and periodically after marriage is very important. This would solve complication which may arise in future. Revealing ones good habit of smoking/ drinking to his spouse before marriage is also very important, this will prevent a shock wave from flowing through her/his spine when she/he finds you drinking/smoking.
As many of you plan to get married this December/January , I hope and wish this article would be beneficial to each one of you, to build a strong foundation for your married life.