Aug 7, 2020

Marriage is one of the important milestones in every person’s life. Almost everyone dreams of this big day and plans it much ahead. But what about life after this big planned day? Some of you married out there, would agree to this, it’s not always ‘Happily ever after’ but it could be ‘The love, the wedding, and the hideous period of crying’. Yes, you heard it right.

‘Post Wedding Blues’ is one of the most ignored topics but is a reality. The piled-up stress to plan your dream day, the excitement and tension seem to be pouring its side effects when the event is finally done. In majority, brides are seen to get the blues than the groom.

My Confession 1:

It’s December. The Christmas season and we Manglorean Christians call it a wedding season (Mangalore is a city located in Southern India). It was a day before my wedding, I am all excited to walk the aisle decked up in white. The bridal feeling is all over me. I do the last-minute checklist for the next day. I’m counting the hours. I see my house glittering with lights and filled with the fragrance of flowers.

As I mentioned, it’s the wedding season, all my family had to go to a wedding ceremony in the neighbourhood. I am all alone with my pets (a Pug, a Dachshund and 2 cats). Nobody at home, I started watching TV, a sudden gaze at my family photo. I see hundreds of thoughts occupy me. Next moment I find my eyes watery, I started to cry like a baby. I couldn’t stop for about an hour. My pets sitting beside me, all four shocked and puzzled.

I call my fiancé and I yell at him with tears in my eyes. I blabbered out some stuff. I remember saying, “Call off the wedding, I don’t want to marry you, I won’t leave my house” and the line goes on. The poor chap confused but trying his best to console me. And we women are very hard at getting convinced in the first go. Finally, I reach the dining area, to take a sip from Johnnie Walker- Double Black. Well, finally my blues turned into pink.

What looks like a Post Wedding Blue?

The couple seems to experience Irritability, boredom, sadness, lethargy, loneliness, isolation. Sometimes it gets a feeling of being trapped.

Why does it happen?

• The realisation of being an adult overnight
• Exhaustion from the intensive customs and rituals of a wedding ceremony
• The attention and excitement faded away
• Changes in the environment
• The feeling of being away from the family and so on

My Confession 2:

‘Happily, Ever After’. Yea, I was on cloud 9- the initial days of married life. The dream come true moment. I shifted to Bangalore along with my husband due to work reasons (Bangalore-the garden city located in southern India). I missed my family, my house, especially my pets. My mind started to adjust to the new marital life, where I couldn’t scream “Mummy….. ” to get things done. Now I had to do it all alone. Well, I tried my best.

In about a month something within me changed. I started feeling grumpy, irritable, minor mistakes mattered to me, I started yelling at him for no reasons. No, it isn’t PMS (Pre-Menstrual Syndrome). I was feeling it all days a month. After a while, I started realising the change. Sometimes I locked myself and wept bitterly. I was questioning myself “Am I having any mental illness?” I felt I’m trapped, and I have no way to go out. I was too afraid to approach someone and ask for help. As a Mental Health Nurse, I had studied the maturational crisis. I recalled my learning, started applying to my life. And it took me a whole 6 months to understand and overcome my ‘Post Wedding Blues’ with the support of my husband.

How to deal with?

First and foremost, understanding that post-wedding blues are normal, and many people go through the same. Secondly, an understanding between a wedding and a marriage is important. Wedding is a one-day event, whereas marriage is what you live through after the event. Here are some tips:

1. Premarital counselling: Nowadays premarital counselling is appreciated in most communities. It’s a good platform to put forth your concerns before the therapist and your partner and get some valuable insights about married life. It also provides an opportunity to spend time with your partner and get to know each other.

2. Acceptance of being an adult: This takes a level of patience and understanding. Life as a spinster/ bachelor is entirely different. You change it from being dependent to now independent in areas of decision making and many more.

3. Open communication: Sometimes, it might seem embarrassing to share the most personal feelings. As lovers, you might have only shared the good view of you. Well, it takes time but when you do it feels amazing.

4. Open talk with family: Couple can approach their immediate family who could share their experiences and provide guidance on marital life.

5. Make everyday events enjoyable and exciting: Adding fun and joy as you both learn new things in marital life. The text messages, the date nights you enjoyed before the wedding seems to fade over time. Spending time together in the kitchen to cook a healthy meal and doing the household chores would give a quality time together and make the other feel appreciated and valued. Correct each other’s mistakes without letting them down.

6. Me time: Marriage unites two people together, but it is also important to give each other the much needed ‘Me time’, where you could give time to yourself. Sometimes people forget the hobby or the work they used to love once. Most complain of time constraints. We need to learn to organise things and enjoy the life we once did.

Being together is beautiful

There can be many amazing things you could enjoy with your spouse and make it memorable. You could see your wedding photos and video together, sort out pictures to be wall mounted. Learn cooking together and teach the other. Plan surprises on special occasions. Plan a date night at home. Plan vacations apart from the honeymoon and many more.

Yes, these words look beautiful in black and white, but when it comes to practise maybe a little effort is required. Most importantly remember to enjoy the small things that you do together and appreciate each other.

With a shine of happiness and the shadow of darkness,
A muddled storm engulfed me

The rush of adrenaline,
The dancing of Dopamine,
The tone of my cardiac rhythm,
Confirming a transition

The approaching change,
Left me with unsolved puzzles,
Emotions wrap me up,
I lay in the pool of betrayal.

Months passed by,
My hunt for the answers goes on,
But, a deep realisation,
The Storm was meant to arise, only to make me stronger than ever.