Sometimes a No is better than a Yes!

  •   Wed, Dec 13 2023
  •   By Diana Cynthia Rodrigues

December 13, 2023

Do you think you are assertive? If you are, how have you learnt to be assertive? Is it your past experiences that taught you to stand for yourself? We come across people who find it difficult to follow assertiveness in their lives or let others decide for them and later regret for not speaking up for themselves. When we openly share our thoughts and ideas, it often prevents us from being frustrated. Not everyone finds it easy to be assertive. Some may communicate in a way that is submissive or being aggressive. The balance between the two is what matters. Assertiveness is a healthy way of communicating our thoughts and feelings directly and positively without disrespecting others. It is a skill that anyone can learn. On the other hand, someone who lacks assertiveness will be neutral in their decision making and struggles to establish clear and logical goals. Assertiveness can be practiced at work, among friends or family.

One form of being assertive is to say NO, to someone or something that do not fit your persona. To have a healthy relationship one must feel respected and treat others with equal respect. One can feel overwhelmed in a relationship, at a workplace, at home or among friends for different reasons. There are days where one is over burdened with work, targets to complete, deadlines of submissions and family responsibilities. Balancing these duties tactfully is where being assertive will help. Consistently having a passive approach can put us in a situation that makes us feel hurt, rejected or anger. Setting strong boundaries can help us maintain a perfect relationship with others at work or home. What are these boundaries? Do we need to establish one? Yes. Boundaries benefit us in maintaining personal identity, respect and ensuring safety. Taking time to understand oneself is a very important task and choosing our priority matters. When we are in a situation that the to-do-list is lengthy that’s the time we need to prioritize.

We have met people who find it difficult to say No to a responsibility even though they are burdened with a lot of work. The person is aware of his or her weakness yet they find it difficult to say NO and immediately “Yes” is uttered. There are many reasons for that Yes- either to please others, fear of missing out or out of compulsiveness that is naturally present in them to overdo things.

In times of overwhelming situations saying NO to people or to certain time consuming activities is perfectly OK! The book ‘Don’t Say Yes When You Want To Say No’ by Herbert Fensterheim and Jean Baer discusses various techniques that assists us to alter our approach in handling a situation, standing up for ourselves, change any undesirable habits without being disrespectful to others.

Learning to say “NO” when necessary is not about rejecting others or being selfish, rather it’s an act of self-care. It’s about establishing healthy boundaries and being true to oneself when the no is said respectfully.

It’s okay to say:

• No, if your overburdened with work.
• No, if you’ve chosen your priority.
• No, if you don’t have the time to talk to someone.
• No, if your engrossed in your house hold chores.
• No, if you don’t want to be a part of a group.
• No, if you feel forced to say ‘yes’
• No, if you are tempted to play a game on your phone.
• No, if someone always asks you for favors
• No, if something makes you feel uncomfortable.

When we are well-defined with our thoughts and decisions it enables us to live the life that we genuinely desire rather than being forced.

Here are some ground rules through which we can voice out our opinion.

• Unfortunately, I’ve been tied up with some important work. I will talk to you as soon as I complete it.
• I can’t commit to this right now because…
• Your expectations are way beyond but I will try to complete it as soon as possible.
• I’ll check my schedule and get back to you on that.
• I’m held up with other assignments and won’t be able to take up additional task.
• I’d like to help you, but I have some personal commitment right now.
• I understand this is important but at the moment I’m unable to commit.
• Until I complete my project, I will not get tempted to play this game.

There are numerous ways other than saying a NO, such as avoid over explaining, accepting diverse reactions to our refusal or acknowledging our priorities. These approaches help to enhance our problem solving and decision making skills, fosters self-confidence and self-worth and nurtures healthy relationships.

This two letter powerful word can develop us into a stronger person or if it’s misused can break a relationship. We may find numerous situations where saying ‘yes’ was a better decision. But we also need to be true to ourselves and take care of our mental health. Therefore, let us try to be assertive in a way that No is used at the right place and at the right time. Learning how to say it is also important. Remember YOU are the most important person of your life and your feelings matter too!

 

 

 

 
By Diana Cynthia Rodrigues
Diana Cynthia Rodrigues is pursuing her final year BEd at St Aloysius Institute of Education.
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Comment on this article

  • Sharon Edmonds, Perth Australia

    Wed, Dec 13 2023

    Very well written Diana , simple and very thought provoking topic . Easy to understand and practise . I’m sure many will be inspired by this topic .Well done In our daily life especially at work we tend to say yes to everything,but you have given good rules to follow whilst saying ‘No ‘. I like this self care approach . More to see from you Diana . well done !

  • Shefali, Bangalore

    Wed, Dec 13 2023

    Very nice write up. Informative. People should actually be aware of these things.


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